The Lost Art of Listening

One of the pre-requisites for becoming a counsellor is an ability to listen.  I remember being asked did I really know how to listen?  My response was that of course I knew.  Everybody I knew had always told me I was a great listener.  For many of us, just "being there" for someone who needs you, is being a good listener, and in many ways it is.  But there is so much more to listening than just hearing what the other person is saying.

A friend recently asked me why was it that her teenage children didn't listen to her.  She was somewhat taken aback when I asked her did she listen to them?  Had she ever shown them how to truly listen?  She was adamant that she listened to them and hear what they were saying.  There is a difference in hearing their words and hearing what they are saying.

In my expereince, teenagers don't listen to adults because adults don't listen to teenagers.  In most cases, adults don't listen to adults.  We spend the time thinking of what to say next, how to respond and what answers we are going to give.  So most of thetime we hear words, but we don't hear what's being said.

We are creatures that learn a lot by demonstration and imitation.  If as adults we are not listening and hearing each other, then that is the example of listening we are giving to our children and teenagers.   

As humans ,we exist and survive based on our experiences and the pre-concieved ideas we have about people, places and situations.  How often have you seen an old friend or aquaintance coming on your direction and thought to yourself , "Here comes Tom now.  He's going to want to tell me about his son's latest sporting achievement.  I really don't have time for this right now. I'm busy doing other stuff and have to find a way to get away quickly."?  When Tom starts talking, you're two steps ahead in how you're going to get away from him.  So even though you are hearing Tom's words, are you really hearing Tom?

 In our rushed world we never have the time to sit down and really listen to people.  We spend all of our lives giving "things" to others, and rarely give them time.  It's easier to hand over a gift, or a book than just sit with somebody.  So many people are wandering through ourlives on a daily basis, yet we hardly know any of them.  Time has become as precious as gold, and we just just don't spend enough of it on our loved ones - or ourselves.

Listening starts with you.  Each of us has to decide that we are really going to listen to another person, and in order to do that, we must first listen to ourselves.  We have to turn off the insistent noise that is going on inside us every time we take time out for ourselves or others.  There is an excellent book by the author Eckhart Tolle, who wrote "The Power of Now", called "Stillness Speaks".  When is the last time you sat in stillness, either for yourself or with another?  In this time of Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of Christ, when is the last time you sat and said "Speak Lord, your servant is Listening" and not worried about the endless list of gifts and food you need to buy?

If we each took time to listen to another, really listen, with our ears, our hearts and our minds, we would hear the real essence of the person.  Turn off your pre-concieved ideas about people, slow down the racing mind that has you on the go all the time, and spend some of that precious time with someone dear to you.  Here are a few tips that might help, especially for my friend with the teenagers;

1. Reflect on how your parents listened (or Didn't) to you as a teenager. Did it work?  Did you feel heard?  Are you now practicing with your children what you experienced?
2. When they speak, don't try an formulate a response.  Just say "Thank You" when they are done talking.  That's it.  Ask if they want a response.
3. Play a conversation game.  You and another person must have an entire conversation in questions.
4. Another game to play is every sentence must begin with "I".
5. Ask teens what they think about things.  No critique, no "feedback".  Just Listen.  Don't worry about being right or making your point.

Children, and especially teens are trying to grapple with their natural deisre to detach from their parents.  In the same way parents are trying to teach their children to care, pass on advice for getting on in life.  These habits take a while to form. Be patient, practice listening and be committed to listening more.

Have a great Christmas and a happy New Year.

Holidays are Comin'

Personally there are a couple of things that signal the true begining of Christmas for me.  The arrival on our TV Screens of the "Holidays are Comin'" ad from Coca-Cola, similarly the Budweiser Clydesdales and hearing "Fairytale of New York" on the radio.  So far this year I haven't seen or heard the latter two.  Does this mean Christmas is going to be less than before?  Is it that Christmas this year is so badly effected by the Recession that Budweiser can't run their normal ads and Shane McGowan and Kirsty McColl's great tune is dropped because it's not cheerful enough?

On a personal note, this will be a very different Christmas.  All of us are affected by the economic slow down and money is tight.  Presents will be significantly scaled down and even the feast that is normally Christmas Dinner will have to be scaled back.  All of my friends and family will be getting a tasteful email greeting instead of the traditional paper card, and many of the parties enjoyed in previous years ahve either been cancelled or scaled back significantly.

2009 has been a true "Annus Horribilis" for many people.  Unemployment has soared, the recent budget has taken from so many, particularly the less well off.  The prospect of a "winter of discontent" is being held in front of us by the various unions, and some people are looking into a black hole that is the future and wondering what's going to happen.

Traditionally Christmas is a time of great joy and celebration. For those of us who claim to be Christian, it is a time to celebrate the birth of Our Saviour.  A time of peace and goodwill to all.  When we greet neighbours we haven't connected with during the year like long lost relatives.  We greet people in the street that we would normally cross the road to avoid and we spend a fortune on food and trinkets that will mostly end up in the bin early in the New Year - along with those steadfastly made resolutions.

Christmas is the season of giving, and in recent times this has meant loading your SUV with heaps of shiny packages to distribute to family, friends and aquaintances over the season.  Even throwing that major party and inviting al and sundry to some and enjoy your largesse. This Christmas will see some major changes in these recent traditions.

Perhaps this year we might return to some old values. Giving doesn't have to mean material gifts.  Someone once told me that the greatest present is your presence.  With so many industries wound down or winding down, perhaps there will be more time this year to sepnd quality time with our families and neighbours.  Decorating the tree is a great tradition n my house.  I love all the shiny baubles, bright lights and tinsel.  But I especially love finding the decorations my four amazing children have made over the years, and remembering the year they brought them home from school and insisted they go on the tree. As they get older, these become more precious to me.

Spending the time this weekend to buy and decorate the tree with my children is one of the real pleasures of Christmas that I have been looking forward to.  There have been so many changes in all our lives over the last year, that re-visiting this tradition might serve to remind us all, certainly it will remind me, of what Christmas is really about - Family.

Yes, the amount of presents even Santa can bring this year is severly restricted due to recessionary times around the world - even in the North Pole.  The celebrations will be more muted as we remember people who are no longer with us for various reasons.  Memories, good and bad will be revisited.  We will hold in our hearts those we know who have had a tough year.  Those who have lost their jobs and their income, those who face losing their homes in the new year, those who have lost family and friends to tragedy and time.  All of these will be in our thoughts and prayers over this special season.  When I sit with my family to celebrate the birth of Jesus, I will be holding them closer to me than ever before.  Thankful in the knowledge that no matter what has happened, or what is to come, we are a family - together for Christmas.

I hope anyone reading this manages to have a happy, peaceful and love filled Christmas and New Year.

Nollaig Shona.

Who's to Blame?

There's a lot of noise at the moment about who's fault various things are.  Last week we had the day of action by the unions, predominantly public servants, decrying the government's impending cut in their pay, because the recession "wasn't their fault".  It was the bankers, or the private sector, or the bogey man - anyone but them. 

The standard response from those in the private sector was similar - "well it's not our fault either, and the country's in a financial mess because the public servant's are paid too much.  They get too many sick days, or holidays, guaranteed pensions and jobs for life." The private sector maintain that they are the ones who created the economic boom and were paid for their efforts, while saying that the public sector didn't contribute to the boom yet they got massive increases in their salaries in the first benchmarking negotiations.

The Murphy report on the handling of the allegations of child sexual abuse has just been published and again we are into a round of recriminations and the blame game.  It's the Bishop's fault, or the Gardai for not acting on their authority, or the Health Boards for not following up on reports.  Once again anyone but me.

All of the above arguments have validity and if you take each one at face value, it seems to be reasonable.  But what appears to be missing to me is the aspect of personal responsibility.  We have an way about us in Ireland of saying "Sure it'll be grand".  If you give it a while it will all blow over. But until we stand up and face reality, it won't blow over.

Yes the workers in the private sector worked hard and were rewarded for their efforst with higher salaries and bonuses.  But we also took the cheap money from the banks and we decided that we really needed that new SUV, or the second home in Alicante or where ever was the in place to have a holiday home.  In just the same way the workers in the private sector took the benchmarking increases for no equivalent increase in their productivity, in the main.  Some in the public sector see their 15 or 20 days uncertidies sick leaveas a target in the same way as many of us looked on our credit card limits.

In the allegations about clerical abuse, we as a nation stood and did nothing while children were beaten, abused and raped.  There was an attitude of laissez faire. Children who told adults, either parents or guardians, were often chastised for accusing poor father X of doing something horrendous.  The Murphy report finally has acknowledged that all of these things happened.  At the very least, those children, who for years have stood accused of misleading the authorities, have an open acknowledgement of their bravery.

But who can say that they were not aware that "something was wrong".  How many of us stood by in the belief that someone else would do something about it.  Which of those among us can say - "I didn't take that increase because I didn't do anything to deserve it" or "I don't need a 4 bedroom apartment or villa in Spain or Bulgaria that I might visit once a year".

There is also a tendency to let things go on the basis that we can blame society.  "It's the way society has gone".  Dictionary.com defines society as:

a highly structured system of human organization for large-scale community living that normally furnishes protection, continuity, security, and a national identity for its members:

So we need to ask ourselves did I furnish protection, continuity and security for all the members of my community?  What part did I play in developing this society?  Did I look the other way?  Am I guilty by omission? 

In each aspect of our lives we need to take responsibility for our inactions as well as our actions.  In order for society to function, and we are society, each person must hold their hand up for their part in it, and be prepared to take the consequences of that. Each of us have options and choices available to us. Sometimes we make the wrong choice.  That's OK. But when we do - it's our choice and our responsibility.

"Responsibility does not only lie with the leaders of our countries or with those who have been appointed or elected to do a particular job. It lies with each one of us individually."

The Dalai Lama.

Is this it?

Have you ever stopped and asked yourself - "Is this it?"  Have you wondered is there more to life than the daily grind?  More than the 9-5 slog and working all the hours you have just to get more stuff?  When is the last time you stopped to smell the flowers?  or gaze into the sky? or the ocean?

Life seems to be one headlong rush in the "rat race".  There's another thought - If it really is a rat race, and you win - What's the prize?  Is there a prize?  or will you just be left wondering "Is that it?"

In almost every career nowadays there's a constant need to continually update your skill set, evaluate your career path and keep yourself up to date with the latest developments in your chosen field.  You are expected to continually improve yourself as an employee / partner / associate - whatever your position is.  If you take time off due to illness, you are expected to "catch up"when you return - not just on the work that's been left undone - but on the changes in the company / personnel / developments in your industry.

Isn't it funny then that we don't oblige ourselves to keep ourselves up to date in our own lives?  When is the last time you were enlisted in a half day seminar in self-care, or re-evaluating your life goals.  Is what you're doing now what you dreamed of doing when you were a teenager?  Back in your schooldays did you dream that you'd be doing exactly what you're doing now?

Have all the dreams and hopes you left school with been fulfilled?  Is your life full to overflowing with precious moments and memories that bring you joy?  When you get up out of bed every day, are you delighted to be alive?  Do you look forward to each new day?  Are you disappointed that the days are ending when bed-time comes around? Or are you stuck on the treadmill of eveyday hum drum life like most of the world's population?

So many people go through the drudge of every day, almost on automatic pilot.  They function - not live.  Each day bleeds into the next in a monotonous cycle of work - home - sleep - work  etc.  We go to our jobs because we have to feed he family, pay the mortgage and exist on this little blue planet we call home.  It is a rare moment when we stop and ask ourselves why we're doing it. 

Maybe this pause fom the madness that we're calling a recession will give us room to think.  With more people being let go, and jobs and finances dwindling, maybe we'll re-evaluate if we really need all these "things".  Perhaps instead of focussing on the new car we were planning, or the new extension, or the boob job or whatever it is that is driving us, we'll focus on the people in our lives.  You know them - those ones who get up in the morning and leave the house with you. The ones who share meals with you and who snuggle up behind you on the cold winter evenings.

It's a perfect opportunity to reconnect with the important people in our lives.  Visit your parents, relatives and friends.  Not because they're having a party on their new deck and you want to show off your latest fashions, or because they haven't seen your new car yet, but because youe haven't seen them in a while.  Because it's nice to just sit and have a cup of tea with a friend you haven't seen in a while.  Go for a walk with your partner on the beach or in the mountains.  Reconnect with nature.  Spend some time playing with your children - not on the playstation or X-box, but outside, with a ball or a bike.  Look around you at the beauty we live in and remember how easy it is to forget about all the natural beauty we have.

There's on old Cree Indian prophesy that says:

"Only after the last tree has been cut down…

the last river has been poisoned…

the last fish caught,

only then will you find

that money cannot be eaten."

Hallowe'en and the impending year end

Did you know that in ancient celtic times, hallowe'en was effectively New Years Eve.  The ancient Celts celebrated a festival called "Samhain" (pronounced 'sow-en') which marked the end of the summer and the begining of the dark, cold winter period.  It was a time of the year that was often associated with death and the Celts believed that the souls of the dead roamed the earth on this night. 

Many of today's hallowe'en traditions date back to then.  To comemorate the end of the summer and the harvets the celts built huge bonfires and wore costumes of animal skins and heads.  They thought the presece of som many other-worldly spirits made it easier for their priests to predict the future.  After the festival, they re-lit their own hearth fires, which were extinguished earlier in the day, from the sacred bonfire to protect them through the winter.

After the Romans conquered most of the Celtic lands, two of their festivals were combined into the Samhain festival.  These were "Feralia" - when the Romans commemorated the passing of the dead and then they had a day to celebrate the  goddess of fruit and trees "Pomona".  The symbol of Pomona was the apple and the traditional hallowe'en game of "bobbing" for apples probably comes from the time when this festival was incorporated into the Samhain festival.

In later times, as Christianity spread throughout the world, many of the old Celtic festivals were "rebranded" to use a modern jargon into Christian Festivals.  In the 7th Century Pope Boniface VI designated Novemver 1st as a day to honour all saints and martyrs. In the Roman Catholic Faith, this is now know as "All Hallow's Day". (From middle English meaning all saints day).  The night before became known as All Hallow's Eve, subsequently shortened to Hallowe'en.

Our current tradition of "Trick-or-Treating" probably dates back to an ancient english practice.  During the All Hallows parades and festivities, poor people would beg for food and families would give them pastries called "soul cakes" in return for their promise to pray for the families dead.  This was encouraged by the Christian church as a replacement for leaving out food and wine for roaming spirits. Modern pumpkin lanterns are thought to stem from an ancient Celtic tradition of placing their ancestors skulls outside the door to protect them from roaming spirits.

In the Celtic calendar Samhain was officially the start of the new year.  It was a time of deliberate misrule - rather like the Roman festival "Saturnalia".  The cattle were brough in form the fields and even "Na Fianna" - Irelands warrior elite, gave up battle until "Bealtain". (pronounced 'Be-owl-ten') In the Irish Language Bealtaine (promounced 'Be-owl-ten-a') is the month of May.  Bealtain marked the start of the summer pastoral season.  

For many, the last bank holiday of the year before Christmas, signals the start of the wet, cold, miserable and dark time of the year before spring and summer.  Many people feel a little gloomy and down as the long bright days of summer yield to long dark evenings and chilly days.  Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a depressive mood disorder that can affect people at this time of the year.  The onset of autumn and winter bring a low mood and a general lack of energy.  It's harder to get out of bed in the morning and even more difficult to gear yourself up for taking your normal regular walks and exercise.

For many, this is a time of reviewing the year that is ending.  The approach of Christmas and all the commercial expense and worry that it brings can add to the gloom.  In the current economic climate this will be more of a worry for people than in recent years.  In Ireland, over 170,000 people have joined the ranks of the unemployed.  While money is tighter, then demands on us to provide for our family's doesn't decrease.  Even before Hallowe'en was celebrated, the shops and TV Channels are advertising the latest "must have's" for Christmas. 

The only growth industry being reported in the Irish media is the Money Advice and Budgeting Service (MABS).  More and more people are flocking to use this service as financial pressures mount.  All of this stress can add to the low mood that you are feeling at this time of the year.  So how do we change it?

Treatment for SAD can take  a number of forms.  SAD is, by it's nature, a depressive disorder or episode.  Anyone who is experiencing this should consult their GP.  Your doctor can treat it in a number ofways.  He may prescribe medication of an anti depressive nature.   A lot of people benefit from this, especially if the symptoms are severe.  There is also "light therapy" (phototherapy), where you sit a few fet away from special lights designed to have the same effect as natural sunlight.    Because it mimic's natural light, this therap appears to have an effect on the brains chemistry that is linked to mood and there are very few known side-effects.

Psychotherpay is another option to treat SAD. It can help you identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviours that may be making you feel worse.  A qualified psychotherapist can offer you options that you may not have explored.  You may have put your low mood down to "winter blues", but with a litle help, you don't have to live with these feelings through the winter. 

To revert back to the points made at the begining, this time of the year for the celts was the begining of the new year.  A lot of people are currently "waiting for this year to be over". Well in  the Celtic Calendar, it is.  So maybe it's time to make aome "new year's resolutions".  You can make those changes in yourself and your life that you have been thinking about.  There are a number of low cost counselling options available to help you through these tough times. 

The holiday season is approaching and if you start to make those changes now, you can be in a much better place to celebrate with your family and friends.     To quote the late Irish author, John O'Donoghue from his poem "For A New Begining":

"In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander,

This begining has been quietly forming,

Waiting until you were ready to emerge."

Depression - A Silent Killer

It seems that one of the most prevelant conditions being treated by doctors in Ireland at the moment is depression.  As a counsellor it is certainly one that I am seeing more and more in clients that present for therapy.  Maybe the recession is having an effect.  Perhaps the economic situation is so precarious that people are worried about their jobs, bills to pay and everything that comes with an economic downturn like we are currently experiencing.

Anecdotally there are more prescriptions for anti-depressants being filled at the moment than most other medications.  It would be interesting to see if there's a study being done on the gender balance of those filling the prescriptions / being treated for depression.  In an article in the "Irish Examiner" on 17th September 2009, Conall Ó Fátharta reported that:

"RECESSION depression among Irish men is on the rise as people struggle with unemployment

and changed financial circumstances in the midst of the downturn."

(Read more: http://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/kfaukfauqlau/rss2/#ixzz0VA5QGIST )

In the article, Edel Fortune, clinical manager of the wellness and recovery centre of St. Patrick's Hospital commented that men do not sem to have the same support structure as women.  They tend not to want to talk about it - they don't want to be "the odd one out".  According to Aware, which provides support for those suffering from Dpression,  there are over 400,000 sufferers in Ireland.  They say that women are three to four times more likely to suffer from depression than men.  This may well be the case, but there is also a school of thought that says that a lot more men suffer from depression, but because they don't seek help, it's not reported and therefore not included in the statistics.

These statistics are stark and highlight the need for a greater emphasis on mental health services, particularly during recessionary times.  When money gets tight and jobs are lost, mental health becomes less of a concern.  Yet it is exactly at this time that more people need support from these services.  While "Recession Depression" is recieving some coverage, it is important to note that this illness is quite pervasive and just because someone still has their job, and is "doing quite well" in financial terms, doesn't mean they are immune.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I recently attended the funeral of a man who died by suicide.  Almost everyone there was shocked to be at his funeral.  Most people spoke in terms of a "fun guy" who was great craic.  This is often the case. Very few people were aware that he was suffering from Depression.  This is yet another common trait.  Certainly in Ireland there is a stigma attached to depression and other mental illnesses.  It's not talked about, quite often brushed under the carpet or ignored.  Men, in particular, are in denial when they are suffering from this condition. 

Because men don't seek help, the duty of care falls to those around them.  In Ireland we are great at making sure our friends and colleagues are OK if they've had a physical illness.  They take time off work, they are encouraged to go to the doctor / physio etc.  However, we are also great at turning a blind eye to anything else.  If our colleague / friend / brother / dad / husband or lover is mentally or emotionally "not himself" we tend to "leave well enough alone".  Unfortunately, too many of us have stood at the graveside of friends and family and listened to people saying "If only I knew".  We need to make it our business to know.  If someone seems "out of sorts" - they probably are.  Why not ask if they're ok.  Make sure they know that there's someone around who can listen - or point them in the right direction.  Over 400 Irish people died by suicide last year - actual deaths, not attempts.  Suicide has touched everyones life.  Depression and suicide are linked.  Ask the question!  Isn't it better to have a row about being nosey and interfering than to wonder "If only?"

It is important to know what to look for.  The following are the symptoms cited in cases of a major depressive episode.  These normally develop over a period of a few days / weeks.  Diagnostcally 5 of these should be present in the same two week period.  For a major depressive episode, symptoms should be present on a daily basis.

• 
  
  Depressed mood (such as feeling sad, empty)
  
  
  
• 
  
  Markedly diminished pleasure in all (or almost all) activities
  
  
  
• 
  
  Insomnia (or hypersomnia)
  
  
  
• 
  
  Increase / decrease in appetite or significant weight loss
  
  
  
• 
  
  Fatigue / loss of energy
  
  
  
• 
  
  Feelings of worthlessness
  
  
  
• 
  
  Excessive or inappropriate guilt
  
  
  
• 
  
  Diminished ability to think, concentrate, and/or take decisions
  
  
  
• 
  
  Recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal ideation, having a suicide plan or making a suicide attempt.
  
  
  

Aware have a support line (1890 303 302)  for those suffering from depression or their concerned family and friends.  The Samaritans have a 24 hour helpline on 1850 60 90 90.  Childline are on 1800 666 666, Schizophrenia Ireland are at 1890 621 631.  Your local GP can help you if you are concerned about a family member.  Let's not lose any more friends to depression and suicide. 

As R.E.M say in their song "Everybody Hurts":

"When the day is long and the night,

the night is yours alone,

When you're sure you've had enough

of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries

and everybody hurts sometimes"

Why do men not seek help?

Why is it that a man will notice the slightest “odd sound” in his car’s engine, and rush off to either fix it himself or take it to a mechanic to have a look at it? How often have you been in a car with a male friend or relative and they’ve suddenly said “Did you hear that? That doesn’t sound right, I must have that looked at as soon as I get home”. Then suddenly there’s whole big project around making sure that whatever work is required is done,and in the most expeditious and efficient manner possible. Sound familiar? We probably all know this guy. He’s our dad / brother / boyfriend / husband / lover.

Compare that with how often you’ve heard a man say “I really don’t feel great, think I’ll pop along to the doc and have him check me out” or “I’ve been a little bit down lately, I’m worried about myself. I’m going to take a little time and try an figure out what’s upsetting me”. Sound famliar? I’m not so sure many of us know this guy.

I’ve just returned from the funeral of a man that I didn’t know very well. (He was an old friend of my partners). This man was in his late 40’s and died by suicide last Sunday (18th Oct 2009). Ar dheis Dé go raibh a anam. There was an estimated 4,000 people at the removal and between 2,000 and 3,000 at the funeral mass. The one comment that struck me over the last couple of days, was the amount of mourners that said, “If only he could see the amount of people that turned up for him” or “And he thought he was alone”.

As I sat in the church after the mass, while people sympathised with the various family members, I was struck by the amount of people who were genuinely upset,in some cases distraught,at the loss of this person from their lives. As usual, in my experience of Irish funerals, all of those upset were female. There were numerous women, of all ages, openly grieving their friend, while practically every man was being “brave” and “stoic”.

You could ocassionally see a male hand scratching the side of a nose,or rubbing an eye. Openly wiping a tear, would nor have been acceptable? Whilst I can’t claim to have seen every man at the funeral, the difference was notable. Personally, I too had very itchy eyes / nose at what was a moving service for someone who else who has gone too soon.

Why do we do this? What is it in men, that prevents us from reaching out? Do we rather suffer in silence , than ask for help with our pain? whether it’s physical or emotional. In 1975 a man was 2.4 times more likely to die by suicide than a woman- in 2005 that ratio had risen to 5:1 (W.H.O. Figures). How much more suffering an needless death must we experience before we start to wake up and smell the coffee?

Maybe it’s time to change our definitions of masculinity and male-ness. Is it time to accept our weaknesses, insecurities and vulnerabilities and allow those who love us, see and share our fears and worries? As Dr. Robert Anthony said:

“Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway”